Top 11 Albums and Songs of 2009

So, I’m taking a quick break to talk about my favorite tunes of this year. 2009 saw a lot of new music, so did 2008, and I’m sure 2010 will too. Anyway, these are the albums and songs I found myself listening to the most this year. I’m sure you won’t agree with the list, hell, I’m sure I won’t agree with the list. But, nevertheless, here it is. As you know, “Top 10″ lists are for Rolling Stone and David Letterman, I am not on par with either of them so I do “Top 11″ lists.

Top 11 Albums of 2009.

11. The Blueprint 3 by Jay-Z:

The man can retire as much as he likes, but he’s going to have to keep coming back. Why? Because we need him. Blueprint 3 more than makes up for the Blueprint 2 and totally solidifies itself as one of the premiere rap albums this year. Kid Cudi’s Man on the Moon could have filled this spot, but he has yet to prove himself to me. Jay-Z has crafted a fine album here and it demands to be listened to. I mean, who else could “make that Yankee hat more famous than a Yankee can?”

Track to listen to if you haven’t: Run This Town feat. Rihanna and Kanye West

10. Aim and Ignite by Fun.:

When The Format disbanded and we heard (or didn’t hear) that Nate Ruess was starting a new band and releasing a new album, I think we were expecting a mere sequel to what The Format previously had done. I was wrong. Nate and Fun. have made an excellent album that is endlessly enjoyable and heartwarming. It feels more personal than anything he has done so far and that comes across when listening. There is a period in the bands name for a reason. They are fun. Period. End of story.

Track to listen to if you haven’t: All the Pretty Girls or The Gambler

9. Hospice by The Antlers:

It’s hard to write about this concept record. It’s hauntingly beautiful, sad, funny, and eloquent beyond belief. But it’s hard to write about it. I guess it’s just that we all deal with death in so many different ways and now we all have this to help us. That’s probably the greatest thing about this album. Yeah.

Track to listen to if you haven’t: Bear (although this should be heard all the way through)

8. Battle Studies by John Mayer:

I was never a John Mayer fan, I dug his music and would make fun of the way he says “body” in “You Body is a Wonderland,” but I was never a fan. I am now a fan. This album just does it for me. I couldn’t listen to anything else for a long long time. The album just wouldn’t let go of me, and I grew to love his other stuff too. John Mayer, job well done, I’ll see you on Twitter.

Tracks to listen to if you haven’t: Assassin

7. Wilco (The Album):

Wilco coming out with another album must have been what it was like when Picasso or Michaelangelo came out with a new painting or sculpture. How can you do anything but be amazed by the final product? I can’t fathom how good this album is, I can tell you that I think it’s more like A.M. than anything they’ve recorded in a decade. I can tell you that I like that a lot. And I can tell you that I really enjoyed this fucking record.

Track to listen to if you haven’t: I’ll Fight

6. Merriweather Post Pavilion by Animal Collective:

A true masterpiece. I probably listened to this more than just about anything else this year, especially when I got home this summer and could listen to it with the windows rolled down in my car. It’s like The Beach Boys and a synthesizer got into a car wreck and created this beautiful, beautiful album.

Track to listen to if you haven’t: Summertime Clothes

5. Say Anything by Say Anything:

Being that they are my favorite band, I did my best to not take that into account when placing them on this list. For me, this was my most anticipated album of the year. I wanted to hear this SO badly. When I listened I heard a much more mature Max Bemis. It’s clear that he’s married, that he’s now a Christian, and that he’s concerned with other matters than what drugs he took this morning. Yes, this entire album makes me want nothing but to hear …Is a Real Boy again, but this is pretty damn good in its own right. There is some brand new things done musically and lyrically here and I love it. The horns on “Less Cute” are fantastic and the story of “Death for my Birthday” is one of the coolest I’ve heard. Bemis isn’t faltering, he is merely growing up. And I’m going to be along for the ride.

Track to listen to if you haven’t: Ahh… Men

4. I and Love and You by The Avett Brothers:

I was only introduced to the brothers, Avett, this year by my good friend Jared Corak BUT I quickly digested their entire discography and fell in love. So when their new album came out this year, I scurried across Manhattan looking for a copy and what I found was so much more incredible that I could have imagined. This is their best record, hands down, and it is filled with songs of longing, the road, and life. A must listen.

Track to listen to if you haven’t: Kick Drum Heart

3. Working on a Dream by Bruce Springsteen:

This album owns, deal with it. The man is older than EVERYONE on this list and he’s making better music and performing better shows than just about all of them. Often times as artists get older they lose that spark, The Boss is still burning nice and bright. This record is poetic, and fun, and epic on every scale. It takes balls to start off an album with an 8 minute operetta about a cowboy named Outlaw Pete, but Springsteen has plenty of balls. I had the privilege to see him live this year and he performs the hell out of this record.

Track to listen to if you haven’t: Lucky Day

2. Manners by Passion Pit:

This album does everything Merriweather Post Pavilion does, and does it better. I can’t think of a more infectious album from this year, the album is sheer fun from start to finish. If you want to have the most fun this year, then listen to this record.

Track to listen to if you haven’t: The Reeling

1. A Strange Arrangement by Mayer Hawthorne:

Straight out of the 60’s and 70’s comes this years best album. It’s a close finish, I really like Manners but this album just does something. Hawthorne’s first effort is ripe with originality and nostalgia, and there are more catchy hooks than any other album this year. Do yourself a favor and go buy this album.

Track to listen to if you haven’t: Your Easy Lovin’ Ain’t Pleasin’ Nothin’

As a little bonus here are 11 of the best tracks this year.

Top 11 Songs of the Year

1.     Empire State of Mind by Jay-Z feat Alicia Keys

2.     Little Secrets by Passion Pit

3.     Bad Romance by Lady Gaga

4.     My Girls by Animal Collective

5.     Left & Right in the Dark by Julian Casablancas

6.     Cousins by Vampire Weekend

7.     Party in the U.S.A. by Miley Cyrus

8.     Say Please by Monsters of Folk

9.     Air Mattress by Conor Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band

10.  If I Had You by Adam Lambert

11.  Two Weeks by Grizzly Bear

The Fuck Was That?

Torture Chamber:

Josie and The Radium Girls would sit and listen to Frank tell his story while trying to strum their instruments. Luckily Melody was skilled at picking locks and she had no trouble getting out of their primitive shackles. After several minutes of trying to play her guitar, Josie realized that she didn’t have the feel for it anymore. At about the same time Melody and Valerie would realize the same thing. Josie had the curious itch to play Valerie’s bass while Melody’s fingers craved Josie’s guitar, all the while Valerie had a thumping beat that she couldn’t get out of her head. Silently, as though they were communicating telepathically, the girls switched instruments and found themselves more comfortable than they ever had been before. The band was very confused.

Frank spat out some more blood, “I swear to God, if I lose one more tooth…” Frank went on to tell the girls about losing teeth, a man with braces, a gangster he befriended, and Mia Madsen. The girls were amazed as he told them about the night of November 30^th, 2008 and they were even more amazed when he concluded the story, “and I’m pretty fucking certain that I died.”

It was this last point that was most important to the young pussycats, also interesting to them was the date Frank claimed everything occurred on. The date that they last remember being on earth was November 30^th…1978.

Frank told them he remembered dying, a bright and flashing light, and the stars and then blinking and actually seeing the stars while on his back in the jungle. No man named John Spencer IV came to take him away. Instead, a group of guards surrounded him, right around the time he realized all his teeth had grown back and the wounds on his body had healed, and they took him to a palace of alabaster. Once here he was tortured for a length of time that he couldn’t count. It was hard to tell time in a room with no windows or light. It had felt long, and he told the girls such.

Pause as the group in the torture chamber hear an explosion high above them.

“The fuck was that?”

Josie looked at the man who swore far too often in the brief time they’d known each other and replied, “the fuck should I know?”

Josie told Frank about how they came to Instar and about their bus crashing on November 30^th, 1978.

Frank cracked his neck to the right side, “Fuck, so we’re all dead then.”

The thought had never occurred to Josie, and certainly not Melody, though Valerie had had an inkling that she died on that bus.

Melody spoke in hiccups, “But. I. Can’t. Be. Dead. I’m. Only. 23. Years. Old.”

Valerie reached over out of reflex to smack Melody on the back of the head but caught herself halfway there; violence would solve nothing now. “You just need to chill out, Melody. We’re not going to get anywhere with you hysterical”

And just as the girls and Frank were about to come closer to an understanding as to what was going on, the door to the chamber flew open and dirty light flooded the room.

Enter G.R.E.G, with half his face burnt off and his left arm missing. Oil sputtered out of his arm and his British accent was mixed with the usual robotic tone associated with cybernetics, “I know it’s quite a cliché but, come with me if you want to live.”

Frank and the girls almost stopped to tell this strange robot that they were quite sure they were dead, but they didn’t have time. Besides, no one wants to die twice.

What’s Your Name?

Torture Chamber:

Deep within that palace of alabaster, underneath the stone, down miles of tunnels, lies a torture chamber of the most heinous kind. It’s dark, dank, and depressing. Rusted chains and tables fill the room that always seems to be leaking. This is where The Radium Girls currently find themselves.

The three girls will tell you that the last thing they remembered before winding up on Instar was traveling on their tour bus to a gig in Austin, Texas. Josie, Melody, and Valerie were asleep in the back. Their managers, Alexander and Alexandra, were driving the slick roads when they hit a patch of ice, a rare occurrence in Austin. Josie would tell you that she saw a very bright and flashing light, but whether she really saw it or if it was just a dream, she did not know. When the three musicians awoke next, their managers were not with them and they were no longer in Kansas, Toto. Melody remarked about how much she loved her new clothes, made of leaves, Valerie smacked her on the back of the head, and Josie was the first to see him.

John Spencer IV, is how he introduced himself. He seemed nice enough, and when he told them a King wanted to meet them, they sure got excited. They brought their instruments, except Melody, because drums are hard to carry, and headed for the palace. On the way, Mr. Spencer told the girls about their destiny here on Instar. Melody squeaked when she heard the news, Valerie smacked her on the back of the head, and Josie pondered over what the best decision to make was.

When they arrived at the palace they were assaulted by the guards and brought down to the torture chamber. Melody cried, Valerie would have smacked her on the back of the head if her hands weren’t shackled to the wall, and Josie did her best to figure out how to get out of their current situation.

Melody spoke through choked tears, “You know something? I really liked the name Radium Girls. I was going to suggest we even change the name of our band to Josie and the Radium Girls instead of the one we’ve got now.”

Valerie rustled her chains, “Shut up Melody.”

“I was just saying.”

Josie this time, “Both of you, please. We need to figure out what to do here.”

Melody craned her neck around the chamber, trying to see something in the endless dark.

“Hey! Someone’s in the other corner, girls,” Valerie always had the best eyes of the group.

Josie took the lead, “Hey you. Hey! What’s your name? Yo, guy! I said, what’s your name?

The shape spoke from the corner, spitting out blood with frightening familiarity, “My name’s Frank. Frank Helios, and I have no idea how the fuck I got here.”

Remained Well Fed?

The Palace:

At the center of the planet Instar, rests a palace of alabaster. Within the palace, sitting high atop their throne, rest the King and Queen. The King does whatever it is that kings do and the Queen does the same. They fight, like most married couples do, and their words of Kadash ring throughout the planet. Once, the Queen stole the Kings crown and hid it. It took him two years to find it. The crown was under the Queens pillow. This bland story just about sums up their relationship. Exciting no?

The people of Instar thought highly of their rulers and respected their decisions. The people were well fed and treated fairly and the King seemed to be handling the whole “our solar system is being devoured by a black hole” thing rather well…so yeah, they were happy. I mean, he had already found the fabled Radium Girls. And yes, did I mention that they remained well fed? They were. It was important that the people of Instar were well fed at all times. You see, the palace lies in the center of the planet because it is a dividing point. On one side of the planet live the successful and very well developed inhabitants of the planet and they are commonly called the “Holome.” The other side contain the people who are still working on becoming fully developed, and they are called the “Arthro’s.” It is very important that these people are well fed, because even though the inhabitants of Instar look human, it is important to know that they are very far from being so.

Instar is frequented by strange visitors very often, all planets in this solar system are. Groups, loners, drifters, various races from a variety of planets: they all come here. When they arrive they are usually greeted by a Holome and that Holome brings them back to the palace where they are killed and given to the Arthro’s to feed on. The more the Arthro’s feed, the stronger they become and after a while, they become Holome. Like I said, it is important for them to be kept well fed. Instar is merely a place of development, and boy oh boy do the resident of this planet want to develop.

Legend says that the five who bare the mark, The Saviours, will be the greatest meal that could ever be eaten. The Radium Girls are said to be a great dessert. So yes, they will save the planet, but then there will be a great feast and they will be devoured for the good of the people.

The King and Queen, high atop the planet in a palace of Alabaster, feeding the population the wisdom of their saviors.  Delicious.

Save a Solar System?

Instar:

“Walk with me.”

The Duke does not oblige, “I don’t think so, Mr. Spencer. You’re gonna have to sit right on down and tell us what exactly is going on here. Ain’t no way we are gonna follow you in the middle of the night.”

Spencer paused for a moment and fluttered his lips, “Fine, but its only going to be night for another 10 seconds.”

The crew watched as Spencer took a seat by the fire and ten seconds later, as if someone turned on a switch, this planets sun came up.

“You see,” said Mr. Spencer, “the evenings are quite short here on Instar. It would be easier if you all followed me as I told this story but if this is how it shall be, then so be it.”

“We’re not going anywhere until we get some answers.” The Duke, standing his ground.

“Fine. Again, my name is John Spencer IV and you are on planet Instar-“

Buster butts his way in, “No shit!”

“Please, if you could let me talk, this would be so much easier. Thank you. Now, to answer a few of your questions; I’m sure you are wondering why your mouths seem to be moving funny. Well you’re bodies are speaking Kadash, this planet’s language, but a few centuries ago we developed a system that allows for everyone’s brain to translate what is said to a language they can understand. For example, you are speaking Kadash, so I hear Kadash. I am speaking Kadash but you hear what I believe your planet calls English, is that correct? Your silence tells me yes. Secondly I am sure you are wondering how it is you came to crash here on this inhabitable planet with a similar atmosphere to yours, that question will be saved for later, but you should know that you were passed out for 3 of our months after you crashed. I was sent here to check on you when you all arrived, this happens often and is usually no big deal, but you are all a special case. I told the King of our planet the situation and he thought it best to take you back personally; for your protection of course.

More stunned silence from the crew until the Tin Man speaks up, “Why are we a special case?”

“An excellent question…”

“You can call me the Tin Man.”

“…Ms. Tin Man, yes, an excellent question. Well you might have noticed a few things since your arrival. You all have matching tattoos on your hand, is it safe to assume you did not have those before you arrived?”

More from the Tin Man, “Affirmative.”

“Lovely, yes, well, that mark that you all share is an ancient symbol of our planet. You might have also noticed the current state of our sky. Our solar system is currently being ravaged by an expanding black hole. These are, physics-wise, almost impossible, but the more planets it eats, the larger it becomes. Our history has warned of a coming apocalypse, which can only be stopped by a gathering of a group of people called The Radium Girls, and the five people who bear the mark of Ecdysis. Our history scrolls called them The Saviours. So, you see, you are quite important to us now. We found The Radium Girls some time ago, we only hoped you would join us too.”

“Holy Twilight Zone, Batman…” Buster’s jaw slacks with shock.

Spencer looks puzzled, “I’m not sure I know what that means.”

“Oh, it’s nothing. An expression.”

“I see. Perhaps it would be best if you could all introduce yourselves, as The Saviours, this could be beneficial to me. I already know you to be the Tin Man. That correct?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I’m Buster Keegan.”

“Rachel Centauri.”

“G.R.E.G. I’m the Cybernetic on board.”

“And I’m the ship’s Captain, name’s James Wayne. Folks call me, The Duke.”

“Excellent! Thank you all so much; it’s a pleasure to meet you. Now, if you could all follow me, the King is waiting.”

The crew looks around to their Captain, wondering what to do. The Duke nods his head slowly, ready and willing to go.

“We’ll come, on two conditions. One, you tell us why we aren’t the age we are supposed to be. Two, you let us put our real clothes on.”

Centauri peps up a bit with excitement, “Our space suits, Captain?”

“No, our real clothes. The ones we brought from home. If that’s ok with you, Mr. Spencer.”

Spencer closes his eyes, you can see them moving under their lids, side to side, like he was dreaming.

“Of course,” he says, “it would be great to see the clothes from your culture. And as to answer your aging, well this planet gives its inhabitants the benefit of being the age when they were at their physical peak. You’ll find you are more capable at doing activities than you ever have been before.”

Interested looks are shared amongst the crew as they head to their ruined ship to get their clothes and change out of their leaves.

Centauri speaks up once they are alone in their ship, “Shit’s about to get real freaky huh?”

The Tin Man pops a rare smile, “Hey, we’re The Saviours, we ought to have free reign of this place.”

The crew laughs an uneasy laugh as they prepare for the unknown future that lies ahead of them. They share one universal thought, how can five people save a solar system?

This is All We’ve Got?

?:

The crew of the Mitzi VII happened to land on this particular planet in this particular solar system on the particular day they were needed the most. Following Buster’s collapse they would create shelter by setting up a tent and putting him in it, set up a camp, and find wood to make fire. G.R.E.G.’s newly altered systems would find the atmosphere of this planet similar to that of Earths, though with a few abnormalities. The air was thinner here but that did not seem to be a problem, in fact it helped create a type of euphoria that the crew found useful in this time of high stress and worry. G.R.E.G., being a cybernetic being, would feel none of these atmospheric comforts. Instead, he would fill his time worrying about the sky, the sky that looked like it was being eaten by something. This frightened G.R.E.G., the cybernetic, and it takes a lot to frighten a cybernetic. The crew would realize, unusually late in their setting up of the camp, that the movement of their lips was not matching the sound that was coming out. When they made O sounds, they looked like a T sound would when it spits off the tongue. The Duke was the first to realize this; Centauri fainted when she understood what he was saying.

Pause while Buster awakes, screaming from whatever nightmare he was having, then falling back to sleep.

The Tin Man told G.R.E.G. to run an analysis on what was going on, G.R.E.G. mumbled in his new found voice about how he always has to do the work to save the fleshies. His sensors told him nothing so he relayed the message to the crew. This caused Centauri to faint again.

Pause while Buster farts in his sleep…loudly.

This is also the moment when the conscious members of the crew realized that there is a strange tattoo-like marking on each of their right hands that when placed together, formed an even stranger symbol. This made everyone uneasy, especially G.R.E.G. who thought he was un-markable. The Tin Man had no trouble in correcting him and saying, no no, just un-re-markable.

Pause while no one laughs.

The Duke takes charge and asks everyone to check the supplies and figure out what survived the crash. It takes a while, and Buster finally wakes up and starts helping. It is slow work. G.R.E.G. finds a fruit like specimen on the ground that is native to this planet and starts eating it, staring up at the dying sky. G.R.E.G. cannot digest food. The crew reconvenes and the report is grim.

“This is all we’ve got?” Asks the Captain, broken hearted.

No one has the stomach to give a full answer back to him. Actually, they do have the stomach, it’s just that they are far too empty to do much else but think about food. How would you feel if you hadn’t eaten for 7 months?

The fire would get started as whatever star heated this planet began to set and the Tin Man would begin to cook what little food they had. Buster would drink a Clif bar that melted during the crash. Everyone would gag. Near the end of the meal they would hear a rustling in the wood and the man who had been watching them ever since their ship crashed would finally reveal himself. He is dressed in much the same way, but with no tattoo, and his skin is bronze from his years under this sun. The Duke would reach for his pistol (he was the only one on board who had a firearm), even though it wasn’t loaded, but the stranger would wave a hand to calm him down.

His mouth moved the same funny way that theirs did.

“Welcome to the planet, Instar. My name is John Spencer IV and you, my new friends are going to save my planet.”

Buster spat out a few words through a mouthful of melted Clif.

“Far out.”

Far out indeed.

Guys, Where are We?

CHAPTER 2

?:

It sounds like someone has shoved a blow dryer in my ear and put it on full blast, trying to melt my brain. Fuck. It’s loud. I’ll do anything to make it stop. Please stop. Shit. Am I hungover? My head. Whoah. What the fuck? My eyes won’t open. My eyes won’t open. Focus. Focus. Fo. Cus. Gather yourself, kid. What’s your name? Buster. What’s the last thing you remember? Going through a fucking black hole. Are you hungover? No, there was no alcohol on the ship. Is there a blow dryer in your ear trying to melt your brain? Sorry Ed Wood, but no. Put this all together and what do you got?

You’re probably concussed, Buster. Frankenberry tastes great in the winter- FOCUS! What’s your body doing? Lying down. What are you lying down on? Grass, I think. Ok, you’re safe. But that noise won’t stop! Relax, Buster, you need to relax. You’re cool, you’re so cool. You’re Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke cool. Now open your fucking eyes.

I can’t.

Open them, Buster.

Can’t.

Do it.

Fine.

Woah, someone turn off the lights. Blink. Focus. Blink again. Focus more. Blink one more time. Focused. There are a lot of trees, am I in a forest? A jungle? Get on your feet. I’m not sure if I can. Get up. Fuck. Now. For my own thoughts, you’re pretty pushy. NOW. Fine! I can’t see straight. Definite concussion, it’s like I’m wadding through Jell-o. Wait, fuck, I’m gonna puke. I puked. Gross, I think I lost some stomach on that one. I can definitely see some blood in there. Shit. Focus. Where are you? Look around you. It’s a forest, not a jungle. That blow dryer in my ear? It’s the fucking engine of the ship, raging. We crashed. We went through the black hole and crashed somewhere. Holy motherfucking fucking ape shit. We crashed. Please I just want that sound to stop. I’ll do anything. I’m just pretty sure I’ll die if it doesn’t stop………. It stops. Thank Christ.

Someone is climbing out of the ship, looking around I don’t see anyone else. Where is everyone? Rachel? I can’t tell who’s climbing out of the ship, they’re dressed funny. Shit. This place has people. It’s not one of us. I’m trying to talk but my throat is sand in a box. Sandbox. The figure is getting close to me. They are wearing the strangest outfit, made of leaves. Almost looks like Peter Pan. It’s female, whoever it is. Shit. I couldn’t fight anyone off even if I didn’t have a concussion.  Still can’t talk. No worries, she speaks.

“Buster? Thank fuck. We thought you were dead,” it’s the Tin Man. She’s never sounded so beautiful, “Hey guys, you can come out! I found Buster!”

Three more shapes emerge from the ship, dressed the same as the Tin Man. The fuck is going on? Why are we in Planet of the Apes all of a sudden? The female in the group of people runs over and tackles me. Rachel. I crack my head on the ground, I probably have another concussion, but I don’t give a fuck. God, I could hold her forever.

The Duke’s voice is a little strained, he looks more like Tarzan than anything, “Good to see you’re alive, kid. Nice outfit. Goddamn, same thing with him too.”

“It seems, sir, that every human is experiencing the same side affect from the crash,” holy shit, either G.R.E.G. has a British accent or I just shat my pants. Both?

“Buster,” The Duke grabs my attention. I still can’t see anything too clearly but I guess he can see the confusion on my face, “this is going to come as a shock to you but we’ve all aged significantly…in reverse.”

I still can’t talk, but my face is screaming what?!

G.R.E.G. seems to be very uncomfortable, “Buster, when you regain your vision you’ll notice that our Captain is now 30 years old, the Tin Man her late 20’s, and I’m placing you and Centauri right around 19 or 20. As you can tell the crash has also altered some of my functions. I’m now speaking with what you might call a British accent.”

Everything is happening too fast. I’m trying to figure it all out, my thoughts, swirling around my swollen brain, about as easy to grasp as air. I swallow some of the faux sand that seems to have been stuck in my throat and manage some words.

“Guys, where are we?”

And my eyes shut again. This time, it might be forever. Hope not, but we’ll see.

Off in the Distance!

G.R.E.G.:

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

I’m racing from my spot on the bridge to the pods where everyone is still asleep.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

This wasn’t supposed to happen like this. FUCK, run faster. I’m doing a self-diagnosis on my systems as I reach the pod room. Systems say I woke up a week before pod exiting was to occur, as was the plan. I was to wake up, check the ship for a week to prepare for the entry into the black hole and then wake everyone up a week before we were to arrive. Only problem is we’re here and I have no recollection of the past two weeks that my systems are saying I was awake for.

FUCKING FUCK

I have to initiate the rapid reanimation program, it’s not safe and they’ll be sick like woah but it’s my only option. The cases of their pods open, letting out a stream of steam. Condensation gathers on my metal face.

“Wake up, bitches! Come on, up and at ‘em mofuckas!”

The Duke is the first to gather his senses, “What in the blue fuck is wrong, G.R.E.G.?”

“Sir, status report ain’t good. Something went wrong with my rebooting; I wasn’t able to wake you all up.”

“Alright, alright. Calm your circuits. What’s the problem here G.R.E.G.?”

I want to spit oil into his face, make the gears go quicker in his thick head, “We’re here dumbass! We are about to enter the black hole!”

“No Babar, you are the king of the elephants.” It’s Buster.

The Duke turns to Buster who’s slowly coming out of his pod, still sucking his thumb, “Buster, quit dreaming and wake your ass up. Everyone needs to be on the bridge in 5 minutes. Stat.”

“Wha…what’s going on?”

“Just do it Buster, that’s an order!”

“Ok ok ok. Jesus.” Buster gets all the way out of the pod and moves to put some pants on before going to check on the two women.

“G.R.E.G., follow me.” The Duke makes towards the bridge, still naked. Even a cybernetic can blush. “I need to know everything you know, right now G.R.E.G.”

“Sir, it don’t make no sense. You know as much as I do, yo. I can’t remember the past two weeks, I’ll need to run more system checks to see what happened but I am a faulty unit so it could be anything. Sorry, sir.”

“Save it.” We’re in the bridge now, and he’s staring at the view-shield. “Mother fuck.”

Before us is the most scientifically striking thing I have ever seen. A mass of torn matter, swirling around space. Lightening streaks across every once in a while. We are so close to the unknown, closer than anyone or anything has ever been. The rest of the crew has joined us, they see the black hole and understand all at once. Buster is trying to warm up Centauri who’s freezing, an aftereffect of the rapid reanimation. The Tin Man is as naked as our Captain, staring into the nothingness before us.

The Tin Man’s words are as dry and broken as she is, “Holy, God.”

Centauri speaks through chattering teeth, “I’m so scared.”

The Duke turns to face his crew. “I know, I know. Folks, we’ve arrived at our final destination. I’m sorry everything ended up like this, but when you think about it, it’s pretty appropriate. There is no telling what is waiting for us when we enter the black hole. Mitzi will begin her readings of the hole once we pass through it, but the odds are we’ll never find out the results. You are some of the most courageous people I have ever had the opportunity to know. We must remember; courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway. This year or so that we’ve been out here has been the best time of my life. It was an honor to have served with all of you, and it will be an honor to die with you. I love you all.”

Buster runs up to The Duke and hugs his naked body. The image, against the black hole, is a silhouette of a father and his son. He breaks the hug, whispering something into The Duke’s ear and heads back to Centauri, kissing her forehead.

“I love you,” he says.

“I know,” she replies. They kiss, the enhanced gravity pushing their faces together, hard.

“Thank you all, for everything. You’ve helped me find my heart.” The Tin Man, crying with the rest of them.

I find myself emotional, “I’m sorry I didn’t wake you. I’m so sorry.”

“We’re all sorry,” echoed from everyone, almost at once.

Our ship speeds up as the gravity yanks us in closer. The Mitzi VII and her rag-tag group of explorers, nearing the edge of existence and stepping off like the heroes they are. Down into the rabbit hole like Alice before them. Entering life’s greatest adventure of all.

There is a flash of light and a loud tearing sound as the fabric of reality is torn.

I can see, something else. Not light, not darkness. But something, off in the distance.

END OF CHAPTER 1

The Way Humans Are Meant To!

Mitzi VII

The crew, minus Buster Keegan and Rachel Centauri, has entered their pods and initiated the hyper sleep program. They will be asleep for 7 months, which is just a week under the expected arrival time to the black hole. G.R.E.G. will power up a week before the rest of the crew to run diagnostic checks on my systems. Crew members Keegan and Centauri are outside their pods talking. Alone for the first time in 150 days.

Buster speaks through a mouthful of potato chips, “Why did you agree to this mission?”

Centauri is only slightly more elegant as she speaks, spewing Twizzler everywhere, “How could I not? It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity, Buster.”

“Yeah I know but that’s the only reason?”

“Yup, that’s the only reason I can think of. Why did you decide to come on this mission?”

“Well, because I’m an idiot.” Buster, the usual asshole.

“No, really.” Laughs Centauri.

“Umm well… How could I not? It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity, Rach.”

Centauri hits him playfully, “You can’t take my answer, asshole.”

Their echoed laughter is warmth in my freezing body.

“Hey, I can answer however I want to answer.”

“I want to know for real.”

“You really want to know?”

“Why else would I be asking?”

“Alright, well…” A pause from Buster while he tries to piece together the words in his head; Buster speechless, even in space there are miracles.

“Ok, ha, this is…well it’s kind of hard to say, so just let me talk and then…yeah. Well, I mean, this has been my dream for as long as I can remember. I’ve always wanted to be an astronaut discovering and exploring something people have only imagined in science fiction stories. Since the first time I looked through a telescope and saw the craters on the moon I knew this was what I wanted. I trained for years, going through accelerated programs like they were packs of Splenda and at 24 I was the youngest person to ever qualify for space travel. I was the pride of my generation, a kid far too brilliant for his own good. I’m smarter than I act; it’s a defense mechanism I think. Or it might just be more fun to act dumb. But, anyways, I got offered this job. I declined.

“You see there was this girl back home. Janey never went through the program but we grew up with each other. Every guy goes crazy for the first girl he loves and they hold on to their affection for just a little too long. In my case, it was a lot too long. Janey was a fever dream. She made me nervous, she made me sweat, she made me work, and I loved her. Girl treated me like shit, she saw how much I loved her and used it as a spear to stab at my throat periodically. She’d go date some asshole and then come crying to me when he did to her the same shit she did to me. I was blind, and I’d take her in and help her. Then she did the worst thing she could have ever done; when we were 22, she kissed me. She was a guitar solo on my lips.

“We started going out and I was miserable, constantly working to grab her attention. She hooked up with other guys and cheated on me a couple of times but she’d apologize and I’d take her back like the bitch that I was. Caught her having phone sex with an old boyfriend once, that was the last straw. Broke up with her, but I still ached for her. I ached for her attention like I ached for painkillers when I broke my leg in the 11^th grade.

“I remember once, a friend of ours from the neighborhood died, and she was devastated. She barely even knew the kid but that didn’t seem to matter. She cried, and cried, and cried, leaving her salty stains all over her shirt. God, how I wanted that. I wanted something to happen to me worth crying over. I fantasized scenarios where the car I was driving would wrap itself around a large oak tree, or the clothes I was wearing would suddenly combust and get a little too hot for my bones to wear anymore. I wished she had told stories about me to other people the way she told stories to me about assholes I didn’t give a shit about. I hoped that one day, really far on down the road, she’d start a story with ‘I know this boy named Buster, greatest boy I know.’ But she never did. I said no to this job originally because I hated not being in the same room as her, let alone not being on the same planet. Then I thought- wait a minute, dumdum- this would be it, this would be what got her attention. Here was the moment that the wunderkind would make a mark she cared about. I asked her to come to the launch and she promised she would but she didn’t show. I know it seems so indulgent to want attention, and it seems childish, but you have no idea how hard it was. I just couldn’t take it. Being in love with a girl who only shows you their back isn’t a way to live.

“I left Earth hating everything, and then I saw you, and you changed all that for me. I only ever wanted your attention from then on, but I made sure to go about it in a healthy way this time. You’re just way too incredible to even comprehend, Rachel.”

The engine coughs and spits. Buster cries. Rachel takes his hand.

“You have my attention.” She says sweetly.

“Shuttup.” Now he’s smiling and crying harder.

“Want to know why I agreed to this mission?”

“Yes, please.”

“For moments like these, totally unique and stunning moments that no one has ever been able to have before.”

He takes the girls hands in his own and they stare at each other. I don’t need to check their life support systems to see that their pulses are racing. The pods that surround them hum a mechanical song and he inches closer to her. Their breath is quick and harmonizing. He leans in and kisses her nose, just to make sure this is really happening, just to make sure this isn’t a dream. She smiles and wipes a tear from his face, she can’t believe that she’s crying too. I do something that a ship shouldn’t ever do and I almost give away that I’m free thinking too, I turn off the artificial gravity. They float, but aren’t all that surprised by it, it’s the way the moment should be. And they kiss. The moment nears infinity, brighter than the stars surrounding us. They fly and kiss and love, the way humans are meant to. Two new lovers, aboard a ship, hurtling towards certain death and I’m as powerless to save them as they are to their new love.

Oilcan!

The Tin Man:

It’s day 150 aboard the Mitzi VII and even I’m starting to feel the effects of prolonged space travel. We go into the pods tonight, which will be nice. Sleep for 7 months?  I’ve spent half my life trying to just sleep. This’ll be the best 7 months of my life. Back on Earth I used to feel every minute inch by, tapping my shoulder and teasing me like the bitch that it is. Now, in space, it’s even worse. Now I feel every moment and it might be driving me to insanity. No one deals with prolonged exposure to isolation better than me, but it might be taking its toll. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m careening towards my death. A death I’ve wanted for so long now. I death I’m beginning to doubt. If I stand still I can almost see time trickle by, sticking its tongue out at me.

The Tin Man, frozen in a moment, in need of an oilcan.

The only thing keeping me going is what’s been keeping everyone going actually; the budding relationship between Centauri and Buster. Time used to be a constant to me but they have shown me otherwise. From them, I have learned. Times only variable is love, a melted mass of moments and minutes welded together into incomprehensible shapes. Time crawls for me but flies for our lovebirds.

I’m watching them now, their last night together for 7 months. Buster still hasn’t kissed her yet. G.R.E.G. soaped up the recreation room. I watch as the whole crew skates across the slippery linoleum, spending more time on their ass than on their feet. The Duke rides the soap like a professional. I try not to take too much enjoyment out of every spill G.R.E.G. takes. Centauri leads Buster around; they shuffle across the suds like baby ducks on thin ice. Buster, like a fawn, knees bent inward, a lost look on his face.

The Tin Man, frozen in a moment, no need for an oilcan.

I could stay here forever and be content. I’ve never done well with relationships, with people. Figures the first people I love are the people I’ll die with. Standing here, I don’t think I could ever have it any other way.